With the long summer holidays now underway, children and young people will be looking forward to weeks of playing with their friends. Among them are more than 132,000 autistic children in England with an EHC plan, for whom friendships are valued but sometimes trickier to nurture.
Here are some tips about how to support autistic children and young people to foster positive friendships.
Don’t believe the myths
Too often, we hear that autistic people are loners who don’t value friendships. Humans are generally sociable beings and appreciate bonding with others. That goes for autistic children too, but some may sometimes become socially isolated because of poor understanding and support.
Because of this, autistic children may lack the confidence, experience and skills to make connections. That doesn’t mean they don’t want to or can’t. However, like all children, autistic people have preferences and want to have choice; they won’t like everyone, and nor should they be expected to!
Start a virtuous cycle
Start from a place of believing all children should be included and that friendship and social connection are important for all children. Good friendships develop a sense of belonging and of being valued by people other than their family.
In turn, this builds confidence, security and comfort. These are just as important for autistic people as for anyone else – and they are crucial to developing the ability to start and build friendships more independently.
Build confidence in social interaction
Create situations where children can be successful. Give simple tips such as how to start talking to people, or set a shared task where each child has a role and understands its part in the activity. (Don’t forget to build in space to allow them to engage in the way they want.)
Role plays in which children either participate or observe can be useful approaches to become comfortable with different situations and practice how to respond.
Find and build shared interests
This will show that you value their passions and create opportunities for them to show their interest in others’. Ask questions, encourage them to show you how things work, play at their pace and level, and do not get frustrated if they don’t follow a pattern or rules.
Consider the needs of the child and, where important, avoid over-stimulation or find opportunities for children to self-regulate in a way that works for them.
Don’t overly focus on social norms
Accept different styles of communication and prioritise connection instead. Encourage empathy and engagement, but don’t become despondent if these don’t come quickly or manifest themselves in a way you recognise.
Teach what a good friend is (and isn’t)
Autistic children and young people may take comments and actions literally. As a result, they can be easily hurt. Conversely, they may struggle to spot teasing, misread sarcasm or not notice when someone is being unkind. This is of particular importance when so much play is done online.
Social stories or comic strip conversations (where different scenarios are presented in writing or pictorially), can be a great way to increase an autistic child’s awareness and help them avoid pitfalls.
Like their peers, autistic children and young people desire and need good friendships to build the kind of overall positive quality of life to which we all aspire. With the right help and structure, these can be accessible.
Support can be simple and straightforward, meaning this Friendship Day can be one every child can enjoy.
